Of Love and Gods

Prologue

I could see him in the distance atop a mountain. There he stood, tall, slim and holding in his hand the world. His face was too far from me, but I could imagine his sneer as he thought of the people going about their business, the mothers rushing their children, the husbands laying out their flat pack furniture willfully ignoring the instructions offered and the kids playing in the park, on the xbox or in the garden. I could see so clearly in my head the glint in his eyes as he saw it all and laughed, laughed at his power, at his fate and at the fate of the people who stood, sat and lay, unknowingly in his hand. I had to stop him.

I ran, feet pounding upon the webbed ground, yet no matter how fast I ran the snow covered mountain seemed to get no closer. I stopped and bowed. I focused, eyes staring down upon the ground seeing nothing, I thought of the mountain. I imagined stepping beneath it, burrowing down to its base and lifting it towards me. It worked, I could feel the mountain move, the ground shook, each web straining to stay together. There I was stood both miles away from the mountain, and at the same time, beneath it, surrounded by a sensation that was both dark and light.

At that moment I felt a pressure upon my chest, a force threw me back, and the mountain dropped into place a mile or so away from me. Clearly Daniel had felt the it mov. “Damm”, I thought, I had hoped he would be so engrossed in his own success he would have been oblivious to his surroundings. Daniel was more powerful than me, so if it became a fight between us then everything was over.

“I thought I might see you sometime Alex, but remember if the mountain wont come to Alex then Alex must go to the mountain.” His voice echoed around the webbed valley, mocking and arrogant. “I know Alex why don’t you swim?” A river appeared at the foot of the mountain and slowly wound its way to my feet. I saw tiny red fish throwing themselves just inches out of the water and then falling back down. He was showing off, telling me that he would win. I ground my teeth and felt my anger rise.

“Why don’t you come down to me Daniel? “ I said, quietly, trying to sound calm, brave, though my heart pounded against my ribcage as if trying to escape.

“Good idea.” Surprised I looked toward the mountain, but he was still there. I heard a tiny splashing in the water and saw one of the red fish seemingly staying out of the water. It seemed to be at once straining towards the water and away, shaking all over as if one forces pushed down towards the water and another up towards the air. Shaking constantly it moved up towards my eye level and grew as it did so, I saw its gills, and scales and then, without warning, it disappeared and was replaced by an eerie, ethereal, ghostly Daniel. I glanced and saw he was still high above me.

I looked more intently at the ghost Daniel; he seemed even paler as a ghost, his blue eyes shone more intently. It was odd everything was a perfect replica of the Daniel I knew, but somehow his sneer, what I use to call his smile, and the glint in his eye, seemed to be more transparent than in the Daniel I knew, both seemed to hold more of his callousness, his cruelty, his ambition and his arrogance than the Daniel I had met. I thought to myself that if I had met this Daniel first I would never have trusted him. I would never have fallen in love.

“My dear Alex.” Said the Ghost Daniel, “why didn’t you join me here? If you’d stayed with me this might have been a fair fight, at least…” he paused, “a fairer one.” He smiled, and yet his smile seemed less dashing somehow, more of an affectation than a smile of love.

I had so much I should say, so much to say and so much I could say, but he was right I couldn’t win and only one thing came to mind.
“I loved you Daniel.” I said, even to me it sounded pathetic and needy.

“I know you did.” He smiled and seemed to become more solid, more human, more like the Daniel I knew. More like the one I loved.

He moved towards me and I realised he no longer stood on the mountain. He kissed me. The world around us seemed to move; I felt his warm lips press against mine. He moved one hand and placed it on my hip and the other he pressed against my back. With one eye I saw that he had dropped the world, it feel towards the ground. I had to choose, Daniel or the world. I had to choose now, Daniel or the world, Daniel or the world, Daniel or, no Daniel. I closed my eyes, wrapped my hands around him and tried to forget about the world.

Chapter One

“And so, if infinite regression is impossible, then the world, the universe, existence itself would have to have started at some point. With that logic Aristotle posited that one had to have an uncaused causer. Something that existed and caused everything, but was itself not caused. Alex.” Miss Harman stopped mid flow and looked directly at me.

“Yes miss” I said, very obviously bored.

“Are you listening?”

“Yes miss.” I hadn’t been, but to be honest I didn’t need to listen I knew all this, we’d done it all at GCSE. Miss Harman was a supply for our far superior real teacher and she was dreadful. She had a wrinkly face, which looked like a frog whenever she smiled, talked, frowned or basically moved at all from an expression of emotionless stoicism. She wore huge grey faux whale skin boots and wide glasses that made her already small squat face even smaller and squatter.

“Well then, how would you reply to Aristotle?” I knew what she would have been talking about so I thought for an instant and then replied.

“I’d say that he could only posit from that argument that something had existed which caused the creation of the life. And while that could be a theistic god, it could also be a deistic God, which is probably what Aristotle believed in, it could also just have easily been the universe itself, why add an extra step? Why not just accept that the universe created the conditions for life.”

Miss Harman nodded her small, squat, amphibious face and turned back towards the board. King who was sat next to me looked at me and laughed silently. Harman turned back around to the class and carried on her needless lecture and I turned back towards the window and tuned her out once again.

King and I both wondered to the common room after the philosophy lesson had finished, arguing about the existence of god. You see, that was the really annoying thing about Harman, I genuinely liked philosophy and yet she made me hate the hours I spent in the classroom. When we got to the common room, King and I went our separate ways, each sitting with our own group of friends. Old cliques it seems, die-hard. King sat with his group of nice but rather dull overachievers and I sat with my small group of outcasts. Sixth form had rather cooled my relationship with this group, I still sat with them but found myself getting bored, left out as their fast track to loneliness, middle age virginity and alcohol free university lives, continued unabated. I knew I was being cruel and unfair, but I couldn’t help it. Sometimes friendships falter and run their course and as I looked at Darren as he enthused, ill chosen glasses steaming up and spittle gathering at the base of his teeth, about the newest RPG, I couldn’t help but wonder what the hell I was doing. I drifted off, and was brought back only when Taylor spoke to me.

“You coming Alex?” I looked up and saw that they had all stood up. I looked at him quizzically. Taylor was probably my closest friend left in the group but we got on better when the rest weren’t there, when the game, manga and obscure adult swim comedies talk stopped. “To mine, play some halo.” He said, with a cavalier attitude to grammar and an odd, thumb twiddling gesture to represent playing on the xbox. I hated the hours of gaming, being both terrible at games and incredibly competitive meant that extended periods of getting thrashed at something I didn’t care about made for a rather unattractive activity.

I shook my head, “No, see you guys later.” They looked at each other in surprise and then left, I walked out and saw that King was walking with some other guys to play football.

I played up front, or as King put it, “goal hanging like a limpet on a crossbar,” scored a couple of goals but nothing particularly impressive. That was until King punted a ball from our goal line. Displaying a touch I didn’t know I had I controlled the ball on my chest dropped it to my feet and pushed it with the side of my foot to get past a defender. I ran forwards and jinked past one and then two defenders. The run was totally out of character and, I knew, beyond my skill level, but I felt good and charged towards the goal. One of the opposition players had ran back from our goal to tackle me, he pushed a couple of times, but though I was slow, I was also strong; I barged him back and carried on. But I was over confident, I hadn’t knocked him down and as I poised to take the shot the player came, both feet in, and took the ball from my feet with a slide tackle that bought me down as well.

“What the fuck?” I shouted as I stood up. I was far angrier than was acceptable in a kick about but like I said before, might be a bit too competitive me.

“Calm down, honey bee.” Said the guy, taking the piss. I’d never seen him before, he was pale with bright blue eyes that seemed to find my reaction pretty pleasing.

“That was a foul.” I said.

“Mate no-one cares.” He said smiling as he looked at the rest of the boys who’d decided to just carry on playing.

“You’re a cheat.” I said.

“All’s fair in love and war.” He said running off towards the ball.

After the match I walked off the astroturf with King, the guy ran towards me.

“Alright fella,” he said as if I hadn’t been shouting at him 20minutes before, “guy over there said you’re in my form, I’m new. I’m in Critchley’s.”

Unsure what to do I nodded and walked him to our form room. “What’s your name mate?” He asked.

“Alex” I replied in a tone I thought conveyed the message that I was still annoyed at him.

“Nice to meet you Alex,” he said holding out his hand “I’m Daniel”. I shook it, still annoyed enough to feel like I’d just shook hands with the devil.

Chapter Two

Dream

I opened my eyes and knew straight away where I was. The purple darkness engulfed me. Warm and comforting as always. I always found it relaxing to glance down at my hand and see it through a purple red hue; it felt like I’d come home. I walked on, the village rose up in front of me; wooden houses that housed no one surrounded me where previously there had been nothing but empty, purple space. On the steps of what was obviously the village hall sat, as usual the man with no eyes. There he sat, one leg hanging off the step the other crossed underneath it both clad in shabby grey trousers, which were dirty and torn. He leaned back against the step that rose above him, guitar strap slung across his shoulder. He wore a frayed black jacket over a loose fitting white shirt and strummed his guitar constantly, it seemed if you looked close enough that his guitar had tiny notations chasing each other around its body. Quavers would chase semi-tones and crotchets would chase them both as the treble clef and the base clef would engage each other in an epic struggle. Yet despite this the blind man continued to play; oblivious to his music’s mischievousness. Always he played the same notes E minor, A minor and C. It saddened me to hear it, the C always seemed to carry such hope and possibility but then, after a pause, the melancholy of the minor notes returned. I used to try and talk to the man with no eyes, but he never spoke, just strummed, nowadays I tended to hurry past him, and his hopeless music.

I wondered past what seemed to be a saloon and squeezed between it and the blacksmiths coming upon a well that stood on the other side. As I always did I pulled the bucket from the bottom of the well. Unlike the other things in the town the well had a slate roof, inside the bucket was a thick black gloop, I plunged my cupped hands into the bucket and lapped drank a couple of handfuls. It was cool and tasted of liquorice I felt myself smile, this was the taste of dreams, I’d always drunk the manna from the well. I’d never been afraid of its deep black colour. It made me feel at home.

Speaking of home I turned and saw the house sitting upon hillock. I smiled and walked towards it. In no time at all I could see the large lady standing by the open door, dishcloth in hand and apron on.

Beaming she cried “Youngster” and walked towards him arms open. I gave her a big hug. “Come in youngster, come in.”

As I entered I knew I had taken too long to get here, that I’d gone to sleep too late and that when I woke I would remember nothing. I smiled anyway, at least I’d seen her.

Chapter Three

“You might have a better eleven but you’ve got no depth, a paddling pool to our ocean.”

Jack snorted and even Stephen smiled but then he looked up “Whatever mate, in the end we won the game and you looked terrible.”

I conceded the point but wafted it away, “We’ll see how the league looks at the end of the season.”

Taylor looked up, he was sat down nearby to me, Jack and Stephen stood leaning by the table. Taylor had been doing some work before registration began. “Since when did you start saying ‘WE’ about football.”

Dick move, I thought. Jack and Stephen laughed, they always made fun of me being a recent convert to football and for supporting Manchester United along with it. Critchly came in and close behind him came Daniel. It was the day after the football incident and I had mostly forgiven him. He smiled at me, and came over to me, Jack and Stephen. We all nodded hello. Critchly did the register and left, leaving on the table the flyers for school events he was probably meant to read out, the letters for parents he should have handed out and a sheet of notification he was definitely legally obliged to talk about, pretty relaxed was Critchly.

I was about to leave when Daniel asked if I could have a look at his timetable, let him know about the classrooms. When I looked at it I saw that he was doing exactly the same lessons, politics, drama and philosophy.

“Huh, I guess you may as well stick with me.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’ve got the same day mate, same week, same bloody year.”

“Hah.” Daniel smiled again, he always seemed to find everything pleasing, he slapped me with the back of his hand in the stomach as he grabbed his bag and went to drama “lucky you like me then isn’t Alex.”

I grabbed my bag and lead the way to drama wondering who this guy thought he was.

“What you have to remember class is that I can take you to the edge of the mountain, I can point to your goal in the valley below and tell you that you need to jump, but you my dears.” She paused and looked around at is, sincerely meeting each and every one of our eyes. “You have to be the ones to jump.” She stopped, visibly swallowed and looked emotional. I looked around and was again amazed to see most of the drama class swallowing every bullshit covered drop of it.

Then I saw Daniel miming throwing up and had to swallow, probably as visibly as Miss Minor, a laugh. Daniel though wouldn’t stop as Minor continued to monologue about how acting was not about finding a character but finding yourself . Daniel covered his mouth as if full of vomit, and held up a finger as if saying “one moment please” he then pretended to throw up all over Charlottes, the biggest drama swot’s, lap.

“Daniel, isn’t it.” Minor had stopped and was looking straight at Daniel.

“Yes miss.”

“What are you doing?”

“Pretending to throw up miss.” Ask a stupid question.

“Why?”

Daniel thought for a moment, “Well miss I was listening to what you were saying about finding yourself. And. Well. When I found myself, he was vomiting at what you were saying.”

“How dare you…” began Miss Minor

“I know miss.” Said Daniel as if butter wouldn’t melt. “I was pretty shocked myself, I guess I should have let my inner self stay lost, but there it is.” He sighed, “I think he might be allergic to absolute crap or something I’m not sure, but maybe next time you should be less sickening and self absorbed.”

The silence in the room was excruciatingly loud. Daniel though just sat there with a sincere look on his face and his bambi blue eyes widely looking at Minor as if the matter was settled.

Finally a quiet, livid, vicious “get out.” A look of faux surprise appeared on Daniel’s face as he stood up and walked towards the door.

“Well, if you can’t take criticism it’s no wonder you’re a failed actor. And there was me assuming it was just a lack of talent.” With that parting shot Daniel left with the door closing behind him.

The lesson ended in a very awkward, odd state. Miss Minor obviously on the brink of tears and all of the drama lot bitching about Daniel. He’d gone to far, but as I looked at a few of the other students I could see that they thought, as I did, that he had a point. In fact, the only difference between him and us was that we’d never said it to her face.

As I left the lesson the lads were playing on the astro, I went over in time to see Daniel score an absolute cracker of a shot.

“How’d she take it Alex?” He said as he turned to see me.

“Let’s just say that if any of those drama kids make it, you wont be getting any free tickets.”

“Ha ha, I’m not sure that’s going to be a problem I’ll have to worry about.”

“I dunno mate.” I said in mock seriousness “you might find yourself at a loss as to what to do in some backwater town with a 100 seater theatre. You’ll look up and see Charlotte’s face gazing down at you, and then you’ll regret what just happened.” Daniel laughed and I joined the kick about.

Chapter Four

The fall out from the drama class incident, Daniel had termed it AmDramSlam 2012, was much smaller than I had expected. It seemed Minor was pretty embarrassed about it and, maybe secretly worried that people would agree with Daniel, had not complained to anyone about what he had said. Daniel transferred off Drama and started doing IT.

I was starting to spend more time with Daniel, he’d invited me round to his house a few time. His parents never seemed to be in and he’d hook his xbox up to their massive tv and we’d spend a few hours playing game after game of FIFA.

I was coming back from Tayler’s, there the xbox had been used to play halo and I was feeling pretty bored and like I’d wasted a whole 3hours of my life I wouldn’t get back. The night was starting to take hold, up ahead I saw someone walking to me. I smelt weed pretty strongly and started to slow down, not wanting to rush towards whoever the hell this was. As he stumbled closer I saw that his tracksuit bottoms were tucked into his socks and that the tracksuit bottoms matched his tracksuit top, this guy was fully shell suited, where was he from? The early 2000’s apparently.

The man, who could only fairly be termed a chav took a swerve to the right and started walking towards me. Muttering incomprehensibly, wild eyed and out of control. This guy couldn’t just be on weed.

“What do you want?” I asked, noticing that he didn’t have a spliff in his hand.

He grabbed me and started shaking me, I flinched but he seemed to weak to do anything. He just kept mumbling, almost imploring me to do something, I just had no idea what.

“Alex.” The call came from a road off to the left. Out of it walked Daniel, spliff in hand and the smile still plastered on his face. The man looked at Daniel, the appearance of someone else seemed to scare him and he took off, seemingly unsure as to whether to run or walk quickly, going somewhere between the two and promptly falling over. Daniel went over, picked him up and the man moved away.

“Hey man, what you doin’?”

“Nothing,” I said, confused by the whole incident. “What about you? Why you here?” Like me Daniel lived pretty far from school.

“Just smoking with some of the boys, you want some.” He handed me the spliff and I took a drag. The feeling went to my head pretty quickly, I didn’t smoke to often. “Look I’m on my way back now, you want to come, I’ve got an 8th to smoke.”

“Sure.”

Sitting on the train to Daniel’s house, I looked at him as he spoke. He seemed to be passionate about almost anything, his hands moving in wild gesticulation as he got more and more worked up. What surprised me was how chilled he could be, like he didn’t give a shit, he seemed to only get worked up when we were together. Going off about something or other on a regular basis. As I sat I thought I had to start being honest with myself, I’d been thinking about him far more than was appropriate for someone who might be a friend. Thinking far too much about his smile, far too much about his eyes.

“So.” He asked. I woke from my thoughts, and could see he expected an answer, but I’d been watching not listening.

“Sorry mate, I thought I was just here to be spoken to, not to actually speak.” For a moment Daniel looked almost annoyed, a steel revealing itself behind his eyes. Then he laughed.

“You prick.”

Once we were at his house Daniel rolled a couple of spliffs and we smoked one.

“To be honest mate, I’m a bit annoyed about Drama. It was such a piece of piss.”

“You reckon”

“Yeah man, all you need is to pretend to be saying something poignant and the teachers bloody lap it up. Improv is so easy.”

“Go on then.” I said with a smile. Daniel paused and then looked down. When he raised his eyes they were sadder than before, crinkled in the corner with his mouth hung slightly open

(beat)

“I gave you everything.” He looked imploringly.

I was a bit surprised by how much he was going for it. Surprised and awkward, I decided to break him.

“To be honest I thought this was a monologue.”

“Hasn’t it always been a monologue Alex? Hasn’t it always been me? Why can’t you just admit how you feel?”

A cold hit my chest, just below my throat and above my ribcage hung my breath, was he joking?

“Maybe you just like me more gayboy.” I laughed.

He looked at me for a couple of seconds, devastated, broken and then his face broke into a smile.

“Unlikely, think about how bloody charming I am, I’m more lovable than bambi and Stephen Fry put together.”

“You’re a future national treasure, slash, deer.”

“A prancing national treasure, like Stephen Fry.”

I laughed, started breathing properly and we carried on smoking.

Chapter Five

Dream

“You be careful now youngster, new folk aren’t always what they seem.” The hut was lit well by the many candles that stood on the side, too many for a wooden hut in my opinion. The plethora of candles tended to create odd shadows, shadows that danced around the hut during the times I was there. When he was younger I would spend hours watching the shadows as Mam and Pap moved around preparing dinner, in the case of mam, or whittling wooden instruments, in the case of pap. Pap always gave me the instrument, I’d had never had the heart to tell him that they never made it back to my bed, disappearing between sleeping and waking. I always felt bad when I saw pap sitting starting on some new, lovingly made flute.

Mam was stood in the corner of the hut, a bowl in her hand, mixing some delicious cake. In my younger days mam had always seemed massive, she had toward over me, and, even though I matched her for height now, she still seemed huge. Perhaps it was her confidence but to me she seemed as strong as anyone I had ever seen and pap seemed as wise as she was strong. He would sit in his chair when he wasn’t whittling, saying little but listing to everything. Months later he would bring back something I had said and give advice that was perfectly timed and perfectly balanced. When pap spoke I always listened.

“It’s not him I’m worried about. It’s me.” I paused; wondering if I was about to say what I had never said aloud, what I never even really said to myself. “I can’t stop thinking about him, and when I am with him I just look at him, I get nervous and fidgety. “ I breathed heavily and put my hands over my face, lifting them up to my hair, and grabbing. “I don’t know, I think I love him.”

Mam came over and pulled my hands from my face.

“Come here.” She grabbed me and held me to her chest, I felt warm and loved. Safe. She let go of me and looked straight at me. “Firstly, you don’t love him. You can’t, you barely know him. Maybe one day you will, maybe you feel the start of something and if so, then don’t you dare let any embarrassment get in your way ok.” She looked at me fiercely and I knew that in my place she would do whatever she wanted, she’d chase Daniel through the streets. I wondered what pap had felt when mam fell in love with him, happy or terrified.

“It’s not that easy mam.” Pap spoke quietly in the corner.

“It should be.” Mam said indignantly

“Aye, but it ain’t and you know it. Look Alex, you let this thing play out. Just make sure that you don’t miss the boat. We only have a few chances at happiness, wait till you’re ready but don’t let fear stop you from taking what’s yours.”

I looked at him and knew he was right, I wished that when I woke I would remember his words, but it didn’t work that way and I knew it.

“Lets eat eh.” Said pap. Mam nodded, slopped the cake mix into a tin and shoved it in the oven. From the oven she took a huge Pie, steam rose from the slits in the centre of the top crust. My belly rumbled at the smell of it and I moved to the table eagerly.

Chapter Six

“It’ll be wank and that’s the end of it. All his shit is.” Tayler said decidedly.

“Yeah, cause the Slim Shady and Marshall Mathers LP’s are really shit.” Gary said sarcastically.

“Alright he use to be good, but come on, his new stuff is shit.” Tayler conceded.

Both looked at me expectantly; I usually joined in this type of conversation.

“Erm.” I struggled to form clear thoughts, “his new stuff is alright, his old stuff is better.” I finally managed to drag out of my mouth.

“Yeah,” said Gary slowly, “something true of almost anyone, ever.” He turned away disgusted. He was one of my old group of friends, just as nerdy as the others but more sociable, if occasionally unlikable. He had a habit of believing whatever he said with a ferocity unsurpassed, until he changed his mind and believed the opposite with equal force. Well, I suppose there’s no zealot like a convert.

Darren, ambled up to us, his glasses askew and his braces glinting in the sunlight. He nodded greetings and stood awkwardly in front of us. Somehow even that managed to annoy me, the rest of us were comfortably leaning or sitting on the wall. Instead he stood in front of us like he was being told off or judged. I suppose he was, by me but then he didn’t know that. I don’t know why he annoyed me as much as he had begun to, I suppose he just reminded me of being lost, lonely and uncomfortable around people. I decided to try and be nice.

“Y’aright Darren”

“Yeah, good thanks. How’s things fellas?” ‘Fellas! Who was this guy? No, be nice.

“Not bad man, what you been up to?”

“Playing Zelda on the N64, I tell you, new games don’t even compare.” No, this was why I didn’t talk to him, we had nothing in common. His comment had inevitably started an argument among the other two, I picked up my bag getting ready to leave. Then I heard a voice join the argument.

“You only think that because you played it first time when you were only a mini nerd.” I turned and saw Daniel wonder up the stairs to us. He nodded at me “Alright Alex. Lads.” He said acknowledging the others.

“That’s not true, the game play is better on old games.” Said Darren almost entirely ignoring the greeting and the insult given by Daniel.

“Bullshit, golden eye isn’t actually better than Halo or Black Ops, it just did loads of things first. I don’t really care, I just get annoyed with people always over egging the past and slagging off new stuff.

“But golden eye is better.” Darren pushed on, unperturbed and listed off a load of reasons which Daniel clearly barely listened to.

“Look, you can try and pretend to be a hipster instead of the nerd you are by buying N64 cartridges and saying that the dream cast is the best ever console, but your not and no-one really cares. You’re like people who say Sean Connery isn’t the best James Bond, full of shit and desperately trying to be interesting.” There was a silence, what he’d said wasn’t as bad as what others had, but the patronizing tone, the easy smile back on his face the way he’d got in Darren’s face. It all made it worse, it meant he believed what he was saying and expected others to believe it as well. He’d broken the rule, never insult someone with something that’s true.

Tayler looked at me, it was my job to say something. Daniel was my friend, my responsibility. Gary got in there first.

“Fuck off, don’t speak to him like that you wanker.”

Daniel laughed to himself, “What you just said made no sense, you know? But I suppose that’s to be expected from you.”

“What’s that meant to mean?”

“Well, not as clever as you think you are, failed intellectual. Come on you know what I’m talking about, I mean no-one knows you as well as you do. Thank god, that’d be just too depressing wouldn’t it?” Daniel laughed again, but his smile seemed less devil may care, more cruel, more like he was enjoying what he was saying.

Gary had never had the longest fuse, he muttered something under his breath and then went to punch him. He caught Daniel on the cheek. Daniel bent over holding his cheek. Gary carried on punching Daniel on his back with a series of what must have been ineffectual blows. Daniel grabbed Gary around the waist and drove him towards a wall, Gary seemed winded as his back hit the wall and Daniel’s shoulder buried into his chest. Daniel stood tall as Gary recovered his breath and smashed his fist into Gary’s face, Gary dropped and Daniel kicked him in his chest. Gary winced, and Daniel went to follow up his attack. Tayler appeared and pushed Daniel to the side. For a moment Daniel seemed to ready himself to start on Tayler but then seemed to lose interest and he just turned around picked up his bag and walked off.

“Y’alright Gary?” I asked nervous. Gary pulled himself up, a bruise on his cheek and blood coming from his nose.

“You know what Alex, I thought they we’re all taking shit but they’re right, you are a cunt and so’s your new friend.” He walked off with Darren, Tayler looked at me apologetically but we both knew that he owed more to them than to me and he followed after them. I picked up my bag and wondered off, I didn’t know where and quite frankly I didn’t care.

Chapter Seven

I didn’t want to see Daniel, so I went home. I realised I’d reached a point, a moment when I had to make a choice between the life I’d had, one of loyal friends who’d been there when I hated what my life was and what it seemed to be becoming, and one that I might have, one of uncertainty and excitement. One life scared me and one bored me. Part of me felt like I’d already made my choice when I didn’t stop Daniel attacking Gary, when I didn’t follow my old friends, when I didn’t apologise. My head said I could still fix my broken friendship, but my heart wasn’t sure I wanted to.

I confirmed this when I saw my phone ring, it was Daniel, and I picked up.

“What?”

“Nice, a nice friendly introduction there Alex.”

“What the fuck did you expect Daniel?”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry alright. But he punched me first.”

“You deserved it, what you said was out of order.”

“Why, he’s not my friend and by your silence he’s not yours either.”

“That doesn’t mean you can say whatever you like you arsehole.” I was starting to get angry.

“I didn’t, I just said what was true.”

“They were my friends.” Daniel paused before he spoke, it gave me a chance to register the tense I’d just spoken in.

“I know Alex, alright I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in that position alright.”

“Whatever.” I went to out the phone down.

“Can I come in?”

“What?”

“I’m outside, can I come in.” I went over and looked out the window and saw Daniel sitting on the wall outside my house. “To be honest your neighbor over there has been casting me suspicious glances the entire time I’ve been sat here.” Said Daniel pointing towards a house across the street, knowing that I could see him. He turned round and looked at me, smiling broadly. Then looked at me with a fake puppy dog face on. I laughed despite myself and went downstairs.

I put down the phone as I opened the door.

“Hey Alex.” I didn’t know what to say. I knew I’d already forgiven him, but something held me back. My mind was blank. After a pause Daniel looked up “FIFA?” He suggested brightly.

Two hours later, after numerous games of FIFA and a few drinks Daniel and I were talking as if nothing had happened. I didn’t know why I had forgiven so quickly. At least I did know, but I didn’t want to admit to myself that all it took was Daniel’s smile and a couple of jokes to make me act in a way even I didn’t like. If anyone else had said what he’d said or given Gary the beating Daniel had I’d have been livid, instead I was drinking and joking with his attacker. Daniel ran easily through my defense with Ronaldo, skilled past my keeper who was rushing out and then ran the ball into the net not even bothering to shoot.

He turned and looked at me, “are you even trying?”

“Not really, my mind is drifting, thinking about why I I’m still playing FIFA with you after what you did.” I said, deciding to be totally honest. Putting whatever was going to be said next on him.

“You really need to think about that?”

“What do you mean?” I said, surprised by his answer.

“I mean, Alex, you know why you forgave me, you just don’t want to admit it.”

I stayed silent, not really sure what to say, what to do.

“For god sake, you’re such a pussy.” Daniel leaned over close to me, I could feel him breathing before his lips touched mine. They were warm, I could see his piercing blue eyes up close, they bore into me as he opened his mouth and our tongues started to touch each other. I dropped the xbox controller and Daniel climbed on top of me and started to grind on my lap. I felt myself get excited, embarrassed at how quickly it had occurred. Then I heard a car door shut outside and pushed Daniel off and tried to rearrange myself. I picked up my controller and Daniel picked up his. Dad walked into the room, and peered round the door.

“Oh, hi.” He said upon seeing Daniel.

“Hello” said Daniel standing up and holding out his hand. Dad shook it clearly slightly amused “Daniel.”

“Hello Daniel, nice to meet you. You staying for tea?”

“No, I should go to be honest, my parents are expecting me home.” Daniel lied. He picked up his jacket and started to leave. “See you Alex, bye.” He said nodding to Dad. With that he left, leaving me confused and exhilarated.

“Seems like a nice lad.” Said Dad, leaving the room.

Chapter Eight

Dream

The little boat bobbed on the purple sea. I watched it as I drank a cup of tea, standing outside the back door of Mam and Pap’s cottage. I remembered a time when I was younger, one of my first memories of the webbed land, when I had jumped into the boat and tried to untie the rope. I laughed so loudly that they heard inside, Pap came outs quickly, I had expected him to jump in with me. Instead he had lifted me out and took me inside.

“Never,” he said, “never get in that boat again.” He looked worried and serious, scared I nodded and had gone even further, never talking about the boat or the sea it sat on, no matter how curious I had got.

Today though things were different, I felt different. Pap walked out to join me, a cup of tea in his hand. He stood with me gazing out over the endless purple sea.

“Pap,” I began “what’s on the other side of the sea?”

“Huh,” he croaked as if he hadn’t heard me. I looked at him impatiently. “Oh, don’t you worry about that youngster, it ain’t no place to be swimming anyhow.”

“Come on Pap, what’s the sea, what’s the boat, why have it here, if you’re never going to use it?”

Pap sighed, “the sea’s where we came from and the boats how we got here from there and if it were my choice I’d burn it so no-one could ever go back. But it ain’t my choice and I can’t. Now” he said seeing I was going to ask more, “that’s all I’m willing to say. You coming in to eat?”

“No,” I said, “no I’m going for a walk.” Pap looked surprised almost sad I thought, nodded and went back inside. As I walked away from the cottage I saw Mam watching from the window.

I wondered down the coastline, watching my feet as they moved from one piece webbing to the next, I had never slipped, never been worried about the emptiness that sat in-between the squares of webbing. I came to the border of the town, I had never crossed here before, never left the tiny town of the well, the saloon, the blind man with his guitar and mam and Pap. A hedge marked the border and above it one could see nothing but emptiness, not though the black emptiness of the webs but the purple hue of the world in which I stood. Somehow I’d always expected to be safe if I crossed. I found a gap in the hedge and squeezed through.

I was accosted by noise as a car drove past me. I was in some sort of country lane, behind me was the hedge and behind that was nothing but the purple hew. Another car drove past, it was a sleek black car, like the sort of thing I’d seen in Poirot, that though wasn’t what caught my attention. I’d looked at the person driving the car laughing as he speeded round and I could have sworn that as I’d stared I’d seen Daniel looking back, smiling.

Chapter Nine

I woke up thinking of Daniel, I could hear my phone going off I picked it up and saw it was the man himself.

“I thought you were my alarm.”

“A common mistake. How are you?” He asked.

“Yeah good, you?”

“Fine.” he said quickly “Look do you wanna ditch school today?”

“To do what?” I said.

“Just come over yeah?”

“Yeah,” I said straight away, “yeah alright.” I got out of bed and showered. I then spent far longer than usual deciding what to wear, went downstairs said bye and left.

An hour later I was sat in Daniel’s living room. “Parents still away?” I said mildly.

“Huh, yeah, well at work at least. Mum should be back tonight.”

“Well, what are we gonna do with the day?”

“I’ve got an idea or two.” He had a smile on his face. He came over sat on my lap and started kissing me. His hands pressed against me face. I grabbed him and rubbed my hands against his back, lifting up his t-shirt. He lent back and took it off, I saw his slim torso, his slightly defined pecks and his half six pack, half skinny pack stomach and began kissing his neck. I spotted something behind his head, a painting laying against a book, I’d couldn’t remember if I’d seen it before or not. It was of a house or maybe a cottage, that sat on the shore of a purple sea, in the foreground was a ground of webs. I stopped kissing Daniel and just stared at the painting, entranced.

“Alex,” he said, slightly breathless “what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I said, tearing my eyes away from the painting.

“Good.” And he began to take off my t-shirt.

I don't know what I'd expected to happen once I'd had sex with Daniel or indeed anyone. I might not have expected anything, but in a way it was almost anti-climatic, brilliant but no great revelation or clarity followed. Things seemed just as messy as before. Except, I thought as I traced my finger across Daniels chest, that I knew this was the most important relationship I'd ever had. I suppose what I was slightly disappointed by is that even though I knew that I'd have to tell everyone something I'd always ignored before I was no more keen to do so than I had been, at least I suppose, now I knew it was worth it.

I wondered downstairs to get a drink; I was exhilarated but also somehow lost. My life seemed harder, the immediate future more trialsome than it had used to be. I wondered from the kitchen into the front room. Once again the picture of the cottage caught my eye, I stood glass in hand, topless looking at the picture. Up close I thought I could see a large woman, a bowl in hand standing by the window. The whole image seemed quite homely, despite being one of the weirdest pictures I had ever seen, it seemed familiar and calmed me slightly. I sat down and thought head in hands. This was my opportunity, possibly for happiness, possibly for pain. Daniel wasn’t perfect, I knew that, he’d done things that I perhaps shouldn’t have forgiven. I knew though that if I didn’t go for it, I’d always feel I missed something. Missed the opportunity, missed the boat. I smiled slightly ruefully, there were going to be some interesting conversations soon.

Daniel walked in wearing only his boxers. “Bit of after sex school?” he asked.

“Yeah, alright.”

“Cool, we’ll borrow my Dads car.” He smiled holding up a bunch of keys.

School was an odd experience that day I’d missed Drama in the morning but Daniel arrived just in time to go to IT. I went to the common room and sat down with King and his mates. I couldn’t see Taylor or the rest of them in the common room, I was quite relieved not really being sure what the situation was with them.

“You done the Kant essay?” Asked King.

“Shit,” I said, the essay had totally left my mind. With everything I hadn’t even started it. “I forgot.”

“Harman wont be happy,” said King sincerely. I looked up and saw King looking genuinely worried and wondered why he cared, why he thought I cared.

“Harman can go fuck herself. I couldn’t care less.” I meant to sound matter of fact, but King looked taken aback.

“Alright Alex, I was just saying.”

“I know, it’s just there’s real shit to be worrying about isn’t there.” I was thinking of Daniel, of Mum and Dad, of the friends I might lose of everything that’d change.

“I know, we’re not even going to get tested on Kant, I can lend you some past papers I got off Harman if you want.”

I smiled; King wouldn’t care when I told him. Though he might start asking me my opinion on Christianity and homosexuality.

I walked with King to the classroom. I saw Daniel sitting near the window, King and I went and sat down next to him. I looked up and saw Harman walk in, Taylor and Gary followed her in a minute later. They both looked at me. Gary seemed furious a blue and purple black eye shining brightly on his face, but Taylor seemed disappointed. I suddenly thought, Taylor and Gary weren’t in my head, they didn’t know I’d already made my choice. They might have expected an apology a begging for forgiveness; hell they might even have deserved it. Instead they walked in and saw me sitting with Daniel right beside me. Gary sat down no-longer looking at me. Taylor looked at me again then sighed slightly and looked down.

Daniel leaned over, “I know it’s not really appropriate but I’m kinda proud, that is some fantastic work. His eye looks like a Picasso painting.”

I looked at him, my eyes cold and my face stony. “Fuck off Daniel.” His smile faltered and he turned away from me. King just looked studiously forward seemingly oblivious to any tension in the room.

Chapter Ten

I kicked a stone from the muddy path into the canal. My hands were dug in deeply to my pockets and my scarf tied tightly around my neck. The air was crisp and cold. My breath condensed against the air and drifted from my every sigh slowly disappearing leaving no trace. I remembered how I used to pretend I was smoking when I was younger, how I would take one of the sticks of candy from the pack put it in my mouth and breath out. Then quickly look around, trying to make sure no one had seen me, silently cursing that it was only ever cold enough outside. I smiled. I sighed.

Alone, the place most familiar, the place most unwelcoming. I walked along the canal bank. I used to think that stories crept out of the night into your mind. Monsters and goblins charmed you in the night and had fled by the morning sun. Lately the stories I told in my head were realistic but impossible flights of fantasy into a happier life. I new they were fantasies because they were easy and good things weren’t easy, good things took work. Like Daniel, but no he wasn’t good, he was something else. I needn’t be alone, I could be with him right now. He’d invited me round, offered me a lift but I couldn’t stand being near him right now. Something had clicked in the classroom. Something was wrong with all this. My life had become about one person; one story who’d strode in to my life in broad daylight and become my only real consideration. I sighed again and walked on, I got my ipod out of my pocket and started to change the track. I stopped, the temporary silence on the ipod had allowed me to hear a rustle. The bush that separated the canal bank from a garden shook and a figure stumbled out of it. My breath caught in my throat. A big brown overcoat ran into me, I saw a beard, a blur and then fell over. Wild eyes fell on top of me and looked straight at me. A mad smile appeared within the bushy beard. “Child.”

I pushed the man off easily and the fear started to ebb away. I was more annoyed about the mud on my clothes. I started to walk away but the man got up and grabbed me again.

“Get off me.” I pulled my arm away from his grasping hand.

“Child, remember me child.” The man was clearly mad only a mad man believes it when he talks nonsense and his eyes screamed sincerity, but they were active, constantly looking one way, then another and then back at me.

I walked away again, I could feel that he was following. Fear was building again. He kept his distance I was walking away from home not towards it, but there was no chance of me turning back and going past him. He seemed like I could easily fight him off but who knew, he might have a knife and I didn’t want to do anything unnecessary. I’d turn off the canal after the next bridge and turn back towards people and eventually home. I was underneath the bridge when he made his move. I heard him hurry his pace, I turned setting myself to react, he rushed into me, pushing me into the wall. He grabbed my face pinning it back, I was too surprised to react quickly.

“Remember child, remember or it will all happen again. Remember the cottage, mam and pap. Remember or everything will be gone. It’s in there somewhere, it must be.” I pushed him back and ran.

I only stopped running when I was back with people and 2minuites from home. I ate some cheese on toast and had a hot chocolate and basically behaved so wholesomely I might as well have been in a Enid Blyton that night. But as I went to bed all I could see when I closed my eyes were the man’s piecing blue eyes, burrowing into my soul. They didn’t look mad, they hadn’t been searching one way then the other, they had only looked at me.

Chapter Eleven

I looked at Helen Barnet, she was telling a story. Something sexual I think, they usually were. I tried to decide what her best feature was, the heterosexual part of me, clearly feeling under attack from recent events, screamed her breasts. It had a point and Helen bloody well knew it. She wore tops that pushed, primed and showed off what was a stunning set of boobs.

Moving on from a part of me that hadn’t seemed to grow since I was 15 I thought about her eyes, wide and sincere even when what she was saying was clearly a total lie, they glowed turning what might have been a unremarkable face into something enchanting.

Helen though didn’t need tits or eyes to get me. Her real charm, her true best feature was an incomparable self-confidence. It was hiding something, I knew that now, but I still couldn’t get the impression of total assuredness I’d felt when I had first met her.

“Oy, I’m sorry I didn’t realize I was that boring.” She looked at me a smile playing on her lips.

“Sorry I… sorry.” I stammered, not really sure what to say.

“It’s alright babe, don’t worry. You usually like my stories.”

“No I don’t. I’m just usually a better actor.” I smiled.

“You’re a shit actor Alex.”

“Always get better parts than you though don’t I?”

“You’re a boy, boys get better parts.”

“Don’t limit yourself Helen, you could play a boy if you wanted. Very manly.”

“Well manlier than you, anyway babe.” I laughed. I was considering spilling everything; I dung my nail into a deep cut grove in the table. It was sticky, from beer and salted nuts no doubt.
I stood up. “I’ll go get a couple of pints in.”. She drank pints, probably the 3rd sexiest thing about her. You know a girl is special when drinking pints is only the third sexiest thing about her.

I came back with a Stella and a Guinness and black.

“Trust you to turn a Guinness into a girls drink.” Said Helen with a sigh.

“I’m a sampler of the finer things in life.” I said, an affronted look on my face.

“That’s why you’re here, sitting with me.” She said.

“Well actually I’m sitting here because your boyfriend works here and so doesn’t ID me.” I said. “Your just the cost of drinking. Sorry to disappoint.”

“Oh,” Said Helen excitedly “you know what I heard? Sally, has a crush on you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and Sally is a massive slag. When we went to reading she had sex with this proper ugly guy in the tent next to me.”

“Cheers Helen, at least I know I’m on par with ‘really ugly guys’.”

Helen snorted “I’m just saying Alex, you need to pop that cherry and Sally’s not that bad.”

“Her face is all wrong, she looks like a Picasso painting.” Helen laughed again. “Anyway I don’t need to pop it.”

“Oh don’t get all moral on me Alex, I’m just saying.”

“No, I’m saying it’s… you know.” I made a motion with my hands and popped my cheeks.

“Bust?” Said Helen, grabbing my arm.

“As Sally Finchers hymen.”

“Hah,” screamed Helen, her boyfriend looked over slightly suspiciously. “You kept that quiet.” She said and she gave me a hug, looking like I achieved something huge. “Who”

“The new kid,” I said quietly. Helen still looked quizzical. “Daniel.

When I first met Helen she we had been put together in Drama, we had to devise a piece to perform at the end of the double period.

“Hey babe,” she had said “Alex right” She had smiled, a little flirtatiously, something about her screamed supreme confidence.

“Yeah.”

“Well Alex,” she smirked, she already knew she was in control. “I think the best pieces just come from nothing. Why don’t we just start, and see where we end up? Is that alright honey?” I nodded, I couldn’t really think straight.

She came right up to me, placed her hands behind my neck and looked down form my eyes, breathing loudly. I wasn’t sure I could breathe at all. She looked up towards me and stared at me, straight into my eyes.

“Why did you do it, you could have had me whenever, I would have loved you… I would.” She paused, shook her head slightly “I still love you.” Then she kissed me.

“Daniel! Wow, really?” She breathed out a little. “Did you like it?

I nodded. “Yeah”

“Have you told anyone?”

I shook my head. “No”

“Do you love him?

I paused. “I don’t know.” I told Helen everything, everything I felt or thought I felt. Really there wasn’t that much to say. In a way it was like explaining what you’d done when you were drunk, links that had seemed so obvious suddenly seemed ridiculous, I’d forgiven him for insulting and attacking my friends, and now no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t say why. I couldn’t make it sound ok.

As I finished I looked down. I’d stumbled, trying to justify myself. Helen went to hug me “Oh Babe.” She stoked my hair. “You were in love, that’s why you forgave him.”

“I don’t know what to do.” I said, chocking slightly.

“Helen looked straight at me, “yes you do. You know what you should do. You should tell him to go fuck himself.” She smiled wryly. “Your just worried you wont do that.”

“I can’t”

“I know babe, we’ve all been there.”

Chapter Twelve

Dream

For the first time in my life I didn’t go to the cottage, Instead I went straight to the hedge and crossed without thinking. Again I was on the country road. No car came speeding past and there didn’t seem to be a soul anywhere nearby. The air was still, there was no breeze and no sound came from anywhere, yet I could see, clear as anything, the trees on the other side of the road swinging in the wind.

I stepped onto the road, a car horn sounded, blasting thorough the air, a car, blood red with black hoods above white tires, came roaring past. I tripped as I moved backwards and fell to the floor. The car screeched to a halt and a man got out. He was dressed in a cream linen suit, complete with a suitable white hat. The suit hung badly on him, too square and broad for such a narrow, insignificant man. I could see his face more clearly as he came closer, it was drawn, narrow and sunken. The more I looked the odder the man appeared, it seemed as if he had suffered from a vicious case of food poising for the last decade and the ostentatious car seemed to get more and more incongruous.

I picked myself off the ground, as the man continued to move towards me. The closer he got, the louder the world around got. In the distance I could here birds squawking, the wind that moved the trees now whistled in my ears, getting ever closer as the sunken man did the same. I looked straight at the strange driver his eyes seemed to slide from one color to another, not seeping but moving like a billboard moving from one advert to the next.

The man reached me and I was suddenly terrified. My heart bit faster than I could remember, as I stared into his eyes, blue, then green, red then yellow I knew that they had no kind feeling towards me. It wasn’t anger in them that terrified me, it was emptiness, the various colors hiding the coldness, like the smile of a clown hiding the grim pursed lips of the man underneath.

I ran, for a reason I’ll never know I ran away from the hedge, away from Mam and Pap. Away from the world I knew. He followed, I glanced back, the suited, sunken man was chasing me, neither breathing louder than he had nor looking particularly interested. Instead he ran, ran like a science fiction android who had just had the concept of running explained to him. Arms straight legs straight, methodical, mechanical and scaring the hell out of me, I ran quicker.

I tripped, I didn’t know what on. Face in the ground, I heard the soft evenly spaced footsteps stop. I turned over, his eyes, purple now, glared and he grabbed my ear and pulled my head towards his. The world screamed, the wind roaring in my eyes, birds screeched and I screamed from the pain of the world at full volume. He softly screamed, “you won’t forget me this time boy,” he pulled out a knife “you won’t have time.”

A bird screeched over head, a pigeon. It flew down and dropped something into my hand. I felt the cold metal, the nobbled grip. I pulled the trigger, all the other sounds died. All I could hear as I sat, half upright was the echo of the shot, everything else was deathly silent.

Chapter Thirteen

“Can we talk?” Daniel was stood in front of my desk, his bag slung over his shoulder, brushing against the cheap light wood as it swung to and fro. He’d dam near swept into the run, if he’d had a cloak it would have billowed.

“Sure.” I looked up expectantly. Petulant, I knew very well he’d meant alone and he knew I knew.

“After class then.” He went to sit a couple of rows behind me.

“After school, I’ve got lessons.” I looked straight forward, trying to ignore the cold wind roaring in my chest. King was sat beside me, he’d been rustling around in his bag ever since Daniel had come into the room. “You looking for gold at the bottom of that bag King.”

“No my philosophy notepad.” He said, still not looking up.

“It’s on the table.”

“Oh,” Kings face appeared becide me, slightly red. “Well now I look stupid.” He hit his forehead in a gesture I’d only ever seen on TV before.

“Maybe, you could have been looking for a pen, more easily lost in a bag, more believable.”

“Yeah, but everyone knows, I always have pen to hand.”

“King, I’m pretty sure that your bag has a filing system. No-one who knows you would ever believe you’d lost a single thing in your life.”

“I suppose, well maybe next time you could have your awkward lovers tiffs somewhere else.”

I stopped a little bit, not sure if it was a joke.

“Funny guy.” I said, pathetically.

“Whatever, look I couldn’t give two shits and for what it’s worth I don’t think other people know. They all just think your mates.”

I nodded. “Cheers.”

“I don’t like him to be honest Alex, I think he’s a twat, but I thought you should know; Gary’s pissed. I think he’s brought some mates today. Probably just square up to him, but, you know.” He shrugged, and turned to face the front.

A voice sounded from behind, “You guys know this is a small room, right?” Something about his voice, for the first time it sounded sad, alone and instead of sympathy I felt slightly sick. “I’m hurt King, I thought we could be friends.” King just looked studiously at the bored, his eyes didn’t move from it when, Gary, Taylor and Harman and the rest came in. I heard Daniel chuckle and shivered.

I was stood outside, leaning on the back door of the drama room. I could hear shouting from the room next door, Mrs Kelly was warming up the dancers. It was some shitty pop song with added drum and bass. It sounded like someone threatening to kill you, while simultaneously moaning about how much they loved.

“Hey Alex.”

“Daniel.” I looked at him expectantly.

“I don’t know what to say Alex. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

“You know what the worst thing is Daniel?” I looked down at my shoes. The toes caps where scuffed, I never polished them. There was one big divit, I thought even if I cleaned it would still look scruffy. I looked back up. Daniel looked expectant, like I’d say something that he could do, something he could answer. “I wanted you to say something. Say something I hadn’t even thought of, that’d make all this ok.”

Daniel started to say something. Then stopped. He looked lost. For some reason it made me angry.

“I’ll see you Daniel.”

Chapter Fourteen

There was a knocking on my bedroom door. I looked up and went to put down my controller.

“Alex.”
I walked over and unlocked my door; my dad was standing outside. He looked a bit off.

“What is it?”

“Your friend, Daniel. He’s in hospital.”

A cold feeling at the base of my ribs. I felt empty. I felt sick.

Dad drove me down to the hospital. I didn’t say anything in the car apart from to ask what had happened. Dad didn’t know, he had a call from the hospital saying Daniel had given them my number after they couldn’t get through to his parents.

Dad sat outside the ward. He didn’t like hospitals and, I don’t know, somehow it was obvious I should go in on my own. Daniel was lying in the third bed along. He looked a fucking state. Talk about Picasso paintings, everything was wrong, every lump ruined another part of his face. Nothing was its right place. I winced just thinking about how painful it would be for him to wince.

“Hey, champ.” He looked up, just a little and smiled a tad as he saw me.

“Champ, who the fuck says champ?” An old women looked up, shocked as I swore so brasinsely in the ward.

“Language Alex, I’m just being a standard, charming, bed-ridden grandpa in the hospital. You disrespectful little cunt.” The old woman audibly gasped.

“Don’t speak to me like that, you shit-munching old faggot.”

“I’ll speak to you however I want, you mother-fucking douche.”

“I might just walk out of here, grab the nearest wheel-chair and shove it up your arse.”

“Why don’t you then, you fucking twat?” The old lady had started humming loudly and both Daniel and I broke and started laughing. Then Daniel grabbed his torso. Clearly in a lot of pain. I lifted up his blanket, he wasn’t wearing a top and across his chest were burning red marks, cuts and bruises.

“What happened?” Though I could guess.

“It doesn’t matter, look I’m sorry about everythi…”

“Daniel, did Taylor do this.”

“Oh, yeah Taylor could do this to me.” Daniel said, not looking me in the eye.

“With his mates, yeah.”

“It doesn’t matter Alex, I don’t care. I just want you to forgive me.”

“I’ll fucking kill him.”

“Alex, listen to me.” He said forcefully.

“I’ll tell the police, have they been already. Who knows about it?”

“Alex.” He was getting louder.

“Do school know?”

“I love you Alex.”

I stopped. “What?”

“I love you.” He said again. Quietly. Then his eyes darted quickly behind mind and he blanched. I turned round; my dad was behind me. He turned and l saw him leave the ward.

“One second.” I muttered as I turned round and followed my dad out the door. He was standing there in the corridor. Looking awkward.

He looked up and met my eye, “hey kiddo.” What the hell was with these introductions?

“Y’alright? Look, I…”

“Hey Son, listen it’s fine. You Mum and I don’t care.”

“You already know that, I mean… you’ve spoken about it before.”

Dad frowned and shrugged a bit. “Why would we need to? Your our son, as long as whoever you choose it right for you, we couldn’t care less who they are.”

“Then why’d you run out when you heard Daniel say he loved me?” I asked.

“It seemed like a private moment to me.” He smiled. “Also it was getting a little be sentimental in there for me.”

I laughed and throw my arms around him. “Cheers Dad.”

“No worries.” He hugged me back. “By the way does he like football, who does he support.”

“Villa.”

Dad let me go and said with a smile “just about ok. If it had been Liverpool, you would have had to split up.”

I laughed and went back into the ward as Dad took a seat outside.

I walked over to Daniel, sat downand took his hand. “I don’t know Daniel, I think I might love you. I don’t, I mean… I’ve not really been here before.”

Daniel looked down and then back up at me, smiling weekly. “That’s not really the answer I had imagined in my head.”

“Me neither,” I smiled, a little sadly back. “But it’s honest. I need time.”

“I’m leaving Alex.” For the second time in a day my stomach dropped. My face must have as well, Daniel looked worried. “Not straight away, but I can’t be doing with this any more.”

“With what?”

“School, shitty friends and useless fucking parents. You’re the only good thing that’s happened since I got here and I almost fucked that up because the whole shitting world was driving me mad.” He was almost shouting again. “I’m sorry Alex but I only make sense with you, you’re the only person who doesn’t send me insane.”

It’s my turn to look down. “You want me to come.”

“I hope you will.”

“You’ll go anyway?” I look up, into his face and see pain, a wince.

“I’ll keep hurting you if I stay, keep ragging on your friends and pissing off everyone you know. I dunno why, I just can’t help it.”

I stand up, “I’ll come see you tomorrow Daniel.”

“Kay, see ya Alex.” He seemed sad; almost small as I looked back.